The end and a new beginning

She sleeps.  All night long . Consistently.  At least consistently enough to warrant a change of blogs.  So I am putting my old blog of sleepless nights and sleepy days behind me.   Ahead for this year, my focus morphes into life that doesn’t revolve around dirty diapers, midnight feedings, and teething nightmares.  With the demands of the first year of Raegan’s babyhood past, I can see the rest of my life in clearer focus.   So I plunge into the next stage.  If you want to continue the journey, follow me to http://lifeloveandkids.wordpress.com/.  Thanks for coming along for the ride.

The catepillars say it’s time for spring

We have a catepillar tree in the front yard.  I don’t know what kind of tree it is (someone told me it’s a Bartlett pear tree;  it’s never made pears), but the kids call it the catepillar tree.  That’s because during early spring the tree buds out with what look like hanging catepillars.  When the catepillars arrive, I know spring is just around the corner.    Right now there are two black capped chickadees in the tree.  Maybe they’ll decide it’s a good place to build a nest. 

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There are other signs of spring.  The tulips and daffodils are peeking their heads out of their leaf-covered beds.  Down by the mailbox, a clump of my grandmother’s iris is also beckoning to spring.  And I saw green shoots in my daylilies.  Hope is awakening.

Calloused fingertips

I have callouses on my fingertips on my left hand.  They haven’t always been there.  In fact, they’re relatively recent.  When I look closely I can see actual ridges left behind by my unforgiving guitar strings. 

I learned to play the guitar when I was sixteen.  One of the guys in my class showed me a few chords, and I was hooked.  The first song I learned how to play was “Awesome God” by Rich Mullins.  My best friend learned how to play and we roamed Frederick county.  We spent hours haunting graveyards and the Baker Park bandshell with our guitars in hand and a notebook full of poetry.  (Side note:  I recently found an old tape that we had made of our originals.  It makes me laugh now at how tragic I thought my life was at the time.)

For several years my fingertips regularly sported callouses.  But life has a knack at getting in the way of personal pursuits.  Teaching, coaching, children, and my first musical love (piano) pushed the guitar to the side.  Oh, occasionally, I would dig out the guitar and strum for a few minutes, but for the most part my guitar lay silent, a prisoner in its case.

I played for church a couple of weeks ago, and spent several nights working out those rusty chords.  My fingers went from sore to bleeding to healing to calloused.  They are now at the point where if I play, it doesn’t hurt.  And I kind of like that…just don’t expect me to write any tragic poetry right now.

Private school, public school, home school, and one family’s journey to find the right path

A few weeks back I wrote a post about the decisions about my children’s education.  Since writing that post I have wrestled and wrestled with that question.  Jay and I have discussed the pros and cons of each education choice.  After much thought and much prayer, we have decided that next year will find our children in public school.

Because I know the issue of how to educate one’s children can be divisive, I debated about writing this post because I didn’t want to offend anyone.  But I then thought about how some other parents may be debating over how best to educate their own children, so I decided to share my experience. 

Family field trip to the Library of Congress

Jay and I spent nine years of our lives in Christian education.  I believe that Christian education is a wonderful tool to assist parents in providing an educational experience with God at its center.  I was blessed to have Juliana start her education at Frederick Christian Academy (where I graduated from by the way!).  When Jay resigned as athletic director for FCA three years ago, we discovered that the Christian education that we had previously assumed would be our children’s future, did not fit into our budget.

I intended to home school.  But the reality of our budget demanded that I return to work full-time.  So with some reluctance I enrolled Juliana at Monocacy Elementary School.  I really liked her teacher.  However I did not like the math curriculum that is in use in Frederick county.  At the end of the year, Juliana’s math scores on her standardized test scores had fallen significantly. 

Caedmon had also had a difficult time adjusting to me going back to work.  He never seemed to find stability in the routine of going to his grandma’s or aunt’s house.  In February, I faced a childcare crisis, and finding the cost of childcare more than the amount of my paycheck, I opted to stay home.  Around the same time Jay received a raise at work, lifting some financial strain.

In the fall of 2009, I determined again to home school the children.  Caedmon was only four, but I decided to start him on kindergarten level.  Juliana, Caedmon, and I set to work at homeschooling with a will.  Caedmon enjoyed his lessons, but Juliana had difficulty making the adjustment from a regular classroom to having lessons by herself with just me for entertainment.  Still, even with an exhausting pregnancy that year, we had a good year of homeschooling.

Caedmon on a fieldtrip last year at the Fair.

This past fall, we entered our second year of homeschooling, but this year was complicated by the often demanding presence of the smallest member of our family.  Each day finds us either excelling at our lessons with the house in shambles or a clean home with our lessons only completed to the point of bare minimums.  Avaril has spent more time watching television than I would ever have normally permitted her, as I seek to meet the challenges of balancing my older children’s education and the baby’s needs.

In my more honest moments I know that this is not working for our family.  This hurts me.  Because I really wanted homeschooling to work.  I know that if all I needed to do was home school, I could give my children their best education.  But when I’m being honest with myself, I know that I am less than enthusiastic with their lessons on more days than not.  And my children deserve more than that. 

I told Jay a couple of days ago that I think the reason I don’t want to give up homeschooling is because I feel like I failed.  And I don’t like feeling like that.  I’m a very driven person.  When I do something, I am successful.  Failure isn’t something that I’m all that familiar with.  So the fact that my idea of homeschooling didn’t match up with my reality of homeschooling is a bitter pill for me.

But my friend gave me a jewel tonight when we went out for coffee.  She pointed out to me that I haven’t failed because I am not going to home school the children next year.  Rather, I have spent two years investing in my children’s lives.  Thank you friend!

So Jay and I have determined for our family at this time that the best choice for our family as a whole is to put the kids back in public school.  I am excited about the possibilities this opens up for us.  I will be able to invest more time in my younger two children.  I will be able to keep up with the house (no laughing!).  I will be able to devote more time to my writing and creative pursuits.  And I’m excited about the opportunity to become more involved in my community as I partner with our school. 

So that’s our educational journey so far.  May the road rise to meet you as you continue on yours!

Birthday fun for Caedmon

Caedmon is growing up faster than I would like.  He turned six this year.  In my head (and heart) he is still that little squirmy bundle that we brought home one cold day in February.  But in reality, he is a growing boy who loves Nascar, Duke basketball, Ultimate Fighting, and Starwars (not necessarily in that order).

Caedmon shares his birthday with my grandma.  She is very good about remembering to send him a card for his birthday.  I am not so good at remembering to send her a card for hers.  It is one of the many improvements I wish to make in my life.

Since Caedmon had a hard time deciding what theme he wanted for his party, he ended up with Transformer plates and a tablecloth (since I had previously bought those and couldn’t return them) and a StarWars cake. 

One of the things that I enjoy most about my children’s birthdays is baking and decorating their cakes.  Caedmon wanted a chocolate cake this year, so I went in search of the perfect chocolate cake recipe (I don’t have one that I consider the world’s perfect chocolate cake, so I continue my quest.)  This year, I found a recipe on a mailer called “Ultimate Chocolate Cake.”  It called for coffee, and the coffee really brought out the chocolate flavor.  It did turn out a little heavier than I would have liked, though.  I iced the cake in buttercream frosting and then created lava rocks with melted chocolate chips. 

My sister Stephanie and her family came over to help us celebrate.  Caedmon enjoyed the company of his cousins, although when it was time to open presents and all eyes were on him, his shyness once again came to the forefront.  I am utterly puzzled as to where he gets this shyness from.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a social butterfly, and Jay is comfortable in front of people too.  Hmmm….

Caed feeling uncomfortable with all eyes on him to watch him blow out his candles

Since Julie received a prank present on her birthday, she thought it would be funny to continue the trend, so she had wrapped up a couple of her old Barbie dolls for Caed.  Caed, lacking Julie’s flair for the dramatic barely paused in his ripping paper, although he did giggle a little. 

After everyone went home and we picked up the bits and pieces of paper from the floor, Caedmon sat contentedly playing with his new toys (he loves his new DS).  The thought crossed my mind that in ten years he will be turning 16.  Don’t count a car buddy!

To travel a new path?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Our lives are full from sunup to sundown with hundreds of choices.  Every action we choose to take by necessity precludes  another action.  I often find myself weary with choices, so that when a child asks me “what’s for dinner?”  my reply is “food.”  For my mind balks at this junction to make another choice.

Some choices we make are small and insignificant:  Crest or Colgate (I personally go with whatever coupon I have…even if it’s for Aquafresh).  Others loom as trolls on the wayside:  this job or that job.  Some decisions are taken out of our hands and we simply wait while someone else decides what path we will walk (recall waiting for that acceptance letter from college or the bank to approve your mortage).

Sometimes we look at the choices before us and none of them seem to be the path through the forest.  Today I’m still looking for that path.  With the birth of Raegan, our family routine for school and home has been disrupted for the past nine months.  As I told a friend today, I have yet to find a place where I feel balanced.  And I don’t like living unbalanced.  So as I consider what choices I should make for my children’s education, I find myself looking down two (or more) different paths. 

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

A Perfect Birthday

Today was Juliana’s tenth birthday.  For some reason this birthday of hers makes me feel very old.  Ten is on the cusp of so many things that I don’t want to deal with yet as a parent.  But today, today was going to be a special day for my firstborn. 

I made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast.  Those are Julie’s two favorite breakfast foods.  For me personally, chocolate chips and pancakes should not be bedfellows, so mine were plain.  Julie savored the indulgences of her day…she informed me that she had five pieces of bacon!  After a lazy morning around the house, Jay, who had the day off, took Julie out for a Daddy-daughter-date.  This was a double bonus for me.  Not only did this get Julie out of the house so that I could finish off some birthday surprises, but it meant that Jay was taking her to the mall to spend her Claire’s gift cards (from Christmas).  Of all the stores at the mall, I detest Claire’s the most (which may be why it’s one of Julie’s favorites).  So while Jay and Julie went to the mall and Chinese, Caedmon, Avaril, Raegan, and I finished the preparations for the party.

Juliana's Birthday Cake. Her favorite book is The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, so I decided to make a map of their journey.

The kids and I invaded Wal-Mart in the early afternoon.  I was on a mission to get the food for tonight’s family celebration as well as finish up some last-minute shopping.  Unlike Costco, whose carts have convenient double seats in the front to seat two small children, Wal-Mart’s carts are the standard one-rider variety.  This commonly annoys me because my three-year-old is a small tornado if I allow her to walk through the aisles, and if I put her in the back of the cart, I find myself telling her to sit down ad nauseum.  We finished our shopping in record pace, however, and I rushed home to wrap the presents.  Caedmon manned the front window as my look-out scout, in case Julie and Jay got home before I finished. 

While I was wrapping Julie’s presents, Avaril brought me one of her baby Felicities and wanted me to wrap her up to give to Julie.  Just in case you were thinking to yourself how sweet and thoughtful Avaril was, I should tell you that Julie makes no secret of her dislike of baby dolls.  But Avaril thought it would be funny to give Julie a doll since I had been teasing Julie all week that that was her big present from us this year. 

One of the Felicities about to be wrapped

When Jay and Julie got home, Jay helped me hang the streamers and balloons, and he did the last-minute vacuuming for me.  My parents, and my sister’s family, and Jay’s mom of course, helped us celebrate this evening.  I served meatball subs and homemade french fries (both regular and sweet potato).  Although Julie didn’t blow out all of her candles, I still think her wishes will come true.  We ended the evening opening her gifts.  Avaril could hardly wait for Julie to open the Felicity present.  Julie did not disappoint; she’s not our resident drama queen for nothing.  Everyone got a good laugh out of Avaril’s gag gift (and Julie’s overreaction!). 

Opening up the Felicity

A new camera for my budding photographer

As I was washing up the dishes after everyone had left, Julie came over to me and gave me a hug.  “Thanks mommy.  This was a perfect birthday!”  And what ten-year-old could ask for more?…or thirty-three-year-old for that matter?